I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
