Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
