maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
