Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize