If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
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Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
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I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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