wrigley field is MILF paradise
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
