her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
