Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
