Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
