You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
