You're my little dorito
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
