wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
