my phone needs a breathalizer
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
