I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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