If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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