genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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