i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
