The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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