Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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