if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
