meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
