he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
