Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
