I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.