Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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