Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
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I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
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The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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