at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"