I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
