you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
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In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
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Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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