i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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