I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
