Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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