so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
