Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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