To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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