did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
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My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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