Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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