I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
