Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
