why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The air was thick with penises
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
