I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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