I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
