So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
