So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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