I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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