What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
