He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
