i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
