I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
