Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
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My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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