On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
