fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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