So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
