apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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