The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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