just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
