What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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