Don't make out with my wife yet
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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