Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
