I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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