the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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