I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
