Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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