hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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