Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
