I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
